Little Red Milk Caps

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She couldn’t have weighed more than 110 pounds and he couldn’t have weighed less than 300. “So how did she throw you through the wall of your bedroom?!” She looked down at the floor and tried unsuccessfully to suppress a slight grin while he stumbled over an adequate answer. Her smile equally betrayed both a pride and an admission of her guilt. I never figured out how this petite wife put her behemoth husband through the wall of their rented mobile home, but after an hour of digging, at least I discovered the act that started it all. A little red milk cap. The great transgression that finally ended 15 months of marriage. “He can never remember to put the [blasted] milk cap back on the carton!” she protested. I must have slept through that class in Bible college because I don’t remember learning how to deal with this. The paper-thin walls of their mobile home were nothing compared to how paper thin their skin was.

The truth is there are little red milk caps in all of us. By “little,” I mean in comparison to what they turn into if they aren’t handled properly. Emotions usually make them appear huge at the moment, but once they morph into something much bigger and the consequences hit, they sound relatively minor. The little red milk cap lying beside the half-full gallon of milk was a big deal until it could be compared to the eventual divorce. Unfortunately, that’s where it ended up. They had visited the church only a few times before they came to me for help, and I’ve always regretted that I wasn’t successful.

A strange question haunts me these days, though. Had they come to the right place? When they drove onto the property of Bible Baptist Church were they actually coming to a place that had real answers to the petty, oversensitive culture they lived in? Were they going to breathe refreshing air free of the pollutants that makes most places unbearably sensitive to offense? Or would they simply discover a more spiritual collection of little red milk caps? I pastor some wonderful people, and the more I travel, the more thankful I am for their maturity. Yet, I cannot deny that the world’s thin skin is making inroads into our own church through members who lack enough discernment to realize how many little red milk caps they seem to find. I talk to enough pastors to know that every church has members who either hide their milk caps with lying lips or think of their oversensitivity as a form of keen spiritual discernment.

Here are a few popular terms that describe different facets of such oversensitivity run amok in our culture and what they look like within a church.

Woke culture

This means to maintain a state of mind in which you are overly sensitive to any perceived injustice to your particular way of life. Your church can develop a woke culture by various groups always listening for a perceived slight to a group with which they identify, whether it be homeschoolers, singles, working mothers, soulwinners, non-soulwinners, bus workers, liberals, conservatives, etc. They often carry a chip on their shoulders about some issue they’re passionate about, and everything the pastor says can become blurred by using the wrong lens. This becomes a breeding ground for offenses.

Trigger warnings

These advise listeners to be aware that something being discussed might be too much stress on them or bring out a negative reaction based on an oversensitivity to what they’ve been through. In every church are members who have been or currently are going through heart-breaking challenges. It’s natural for them to see the church primarily as a safe place of healing for them. The church is also a place to prevent these wounds from ever happening in the first place. Pastors are tasked with applying balm to the wounds of parents with wayward children, while simultaneously instructing other families how to avoid this in the future. Couples who have gone through the trauma of divorce might feel some sting when hearing a pastor warning others how to avoid divorce. Pastors who have dealt with the aftermath of such tragedies develop a passion to help others avoid going down this same road. Passionate preaching that is intended to help others prevent such trials can sometimes stir up hurts afresh in those who have already been down that road. Some members take offense that the pastor didn’t consider their hurt, although this ends up as an extreme form worse than trigger warnings. No preacher can be expected to say much that is helpful to others if he has to be mindful of every past hurt in the pew. 

Safe space

This is a place where you are assured that your way of life will not be criticized or judged in any way. Churches can develop their own safe spaces when members develop thin skin wrapped around their concerns and expect certain issues to be avoided. Sometimes a church’s history contains circumstances that tie a pastor’s hands to ever deal with something that is sorely needed to move forward. Other churches develop safe spaces due to regional or demographic issues such as farming, hunting, beaches, affluence, or welfare. Hunters want the church to be a safe space for hunting on Sunday while beach lovers want the church to be a safe space from immodesty. A church is expected to be the pillar and ground of the truth, not a reflection of the personal interests of all the members. Some members’ sensitivities makes it seem they want their church to be safer from the Bible than safer from the culture. 

Microaggressions

These are statements that are made in innocence, but the listener becomes uncomfortable because they felt demeaned or insulted, however unintentional. The construction of the word itself is quite telling. “Micro” means it is something very small. “Aggression” means hostile or violent behavior or attitudes toward another. Something small is translated into something hostile or extreme, particularly when it was not intentional. The intent or carefulness of the one speaking is irrelevant in microaggressions. Whatever the listener felt about the statement becomes the standard. Someone simply feeling slighted is enough to justify an offense. These could be the most dangerous of all to a church. It is generally felt in preaching when the preacher gets the blame for Holy Spirit conviction or it shows up in volunteer members’ attitudes when challenged to pursue excellence in their ministries. Too many members are on edge when told: “You need to show up on time.” “We need to switch piano players for the good of the choir.” “I need you to be faithful to each service.” “That song is too high for your range.” “Can you get your child off of the platform?” “Would you mind finishing your water and coffee before you go into the sanctuary?” “Could you wear a tie for that ministry?” Those are the kinds of statements churches have to operate off of every day. They are necessary kinds of things and eventually unavoidable. Anyone treating them as a microaggression is revealing how much more sway the culture holds over them than the Word.

While our culture is drowning in this mentality, churches are presented with a golden opportunity to model something entirely refreshing. How? Stop being so offendable. Quit treating everyone’s comments as microaggressions. Be honest about how many little red milk caps you have and either burn them for good or deal with them the way Jesus said. Good churches have split because some member or even a pastor turned a little red milk cap into a tragedy. Will you be part of the solution or a part of the problem?

Great peace have they which love thy law: and nothing shall offend them (Psalm 119:165). Now, go become an unoffendable church.